Trust must be earned.

Kadang2 kita marah bila org tak nak dengar apa kita cakap, or even our explanation. Kita rasa kita dilayan dengan teruk bila tak diberi peluang untuk bersuara pertahankan diri kita. Tp bersabarlah wahai hati.

Sebab mungkin selama ini kita tak pernah buat perkara yang trustworthy. Mgkn kita tidak buat apa yg kita ckp. Mgkn kita selalu berubah hati. Mgkn kita tidak serius.

Jadi, ada asasnya sebab orang bertindak demikian terhadap kita. Salah sendiri. Untuk itu, show them by actions too. Its loud n clear enough so we wont be disregarded when they are finally able to see what we could do.

Maka bersabarlah. Bid your time. Just when you disappoint them long enough for them not to trust u anymore, it might also take u that long to earn back the trust u want, or even longer.

Maka bersabarlah. Your time will come. Understand their concern. So you will be able to move forward and carry on living.

Your time will come. The trust will be earned. InsyaAllah. =)

Terima kasih, Allah.

For what happened, i am not surprised. For my way of doing things, i know i would have to face some consequences. This is not totally unexpected. This is no surprise. Being me, i have already foreseen the consequences and prepared myself for what would befall me.

Lets learn it the hard way. Doing easy and typical thinhs isnt exciting. I dont challenge my physical, i challenge my endurance. So whatever happen, its foreseen, and expected.

I thank Allah for making me lioe this, not just one hukan being livinh for the sake of being alive. Lets live truly. ^^

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Dilemma...

I never thought one day I will have to choose, and this decision could be one of the biggest in my whole life so far.

I have many sides to consider, on top of it, of course, my own pride and self.

Well, its actually others vs. Me. I know, this is kinda selfish, but i am not actually thinking bout me in particular, but its what i produce. I made a mistake, n i am kinda stuck in it for now.

Now that i know where i screwed up, i wish to not repeat the mistake, but since i wasnt thinking before, i messed up by being in this line. But i thank them coz i know, without them, i will not be Anarif now. Just a no name author with a basic blog.

I dont wanna jeopardize the future of my babies, not anymore. If i wanted them out, i will prepare only the best sight for them, unlike what i did to AAJ. That was a grave mistake, n i am not repeating it.

But the timing seems unlikely to be on my side. Everything is messed up. I really dont wanna screw the future of IBC, bcoz i love it so much. N i will be miserable if it suffers like AAJ.

But right now, i just dont wanna let it go. At least, not in the wrong hands of audience. Again.

I just wish this would be easier.

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Awesomeness.

This is gonna be very simple. I didnt defend on february cause its too rushed for me, the last minute queen. Then, when i want to defend this may, KPP said nobody told him, so nobody is defending.

Great. Now, everybody who thought they will be defending wont be defending. There goes the rush, the sweat, the fuel, the everything that comes with STRESS.

Now we have to wait until July. Great. Another two months to defend, data collection n discussion n everything in just 7 months plus 3, n then viva. That is if i passed the defense.

I just dont have any more word to say.

Dr Rahmah, forgive me.

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Berdiri Atas Kaki Sendiri

Assalamualaikum.

Dah lama bebenor x jenguk sini. Last entry 4 bulan lalu. Great.

Well, ada satu benda yang ingin aku kisahkan. Sekarang, duit biasiswa belum masuk. (dah x larat dah terkejar2 sana sini supaya duit tu masuk). So, aku bergantung pada my beloved ummi for pocket money. Bayar sewa, duit makan, semua la. and it's been four months rasanya macam tu.

Tapi aku jot down brapa bnyk aku ambik, tiap kali aku ambik. so aku kira hutang. sejak dulu lagi, sejak aku masuk asasi law, memang aku bayar balik kalau aku ambik duit dari parents aku. tak tau la kenapa, rasa wajib untuk bayar. anyway, mungkin sebabnya, kedudukan kewangan family aku buatkan aku tak boleh duduk senang kalau aku ambik duit mak aku sebab aku rasa, aku dah tak patut bergantung pada mak aku.

satunya, family aku skrg berpusat pada mak aku. bisnes abah tak berapa bagus, so semua pada ummi. adik aku tiga org pun bergantung pada mak aku lg. hutang abang aku, kakak aku, hutang kereta, rumah, semua mak aku bayar. wlupun gaji mak aku agak besar, tp untuk menampung satu rumah patutnya memang sakit la.

so aku tak tenang kalau aku ambik tanpa bayar balik. bukan maksud aku, bila habis hutang, aku akan ignore parents aku. tak. tapi sebelum aku memberi, duit belanja yg mak aku bg aku akan byr, wlupun ckit2.

sebab tu la agaknya duit aku tak pernah cukup. sebab dari dulu, aku mmg dpt duit bnyk. tapi lepas tu, settle hutang, tinggal habuk la. and duduk di bandar shah alam ni, memang seratus seminggu bererti kau memang tahan makan. kalau kau makan secara sihat dan betul, 200 paling kurang la. kalau makan mewah, infiniti.

duit kereta yg aku pakai, aku akan bayar balik. roadtax, semua benda yang mak aku byrkan dulu, aku akan bayar balik. mak aku pernah cakap, tak payah la. sebab kalau ikutkan, mungkin dia pun perasan aku kurang ambik duit dia sejak masuk u. yelah, lepas asasi (dapat elaun), degree dapat biasiswa and ptptn. pas2 masuk masters, keja dgn fakulti (sblm dpt biasiswa) dpt la 1300 sebulan tp mmg ckup utk hidup je sbb hutang sblumnya jugak.

bila nak lepas dari hutang, tak tau la. belum lg beli keta sendiri. aku mmg dpt bnyk duit, tapi banyak jugak benda yg aku kena buat. percaya atau tak, sebelum dapat duit, duit dah habis. dah plan nk byr hutang, bagi ummi abah, bagi adik2, bagi pengasuh, habis la duit aku.

dan aku rasa bertanggungjawab sebab mak aku selalu cakap, bayar balik (for unnecessary stuff yg terpaksa  guna duit dia untk bayar). mmg ada stgh org ckp, parents memberi bukan untuk terima balik. konon nk kata, mak aku berkira la. tapi mak aku bukan berkira. dia terpaksa, sebab banyak benda lain dia kena tanggung. so aku tak pernah salahkan mak aku, sebaliknya, aku rasa wajib aku byr balik, dan jugak tolong family yg lain.

kakak aku dh kawin, anak dua, dia dan family tinggal kat rumah aku. jadi mak aku jugak tanggung sebab gaji aku kakak aku kecik. laki dia meniaga kecil2an. abg sulung aku, sbb dh ada awek, lpas study kahwin. duit pun pinjam mak aku. mujur dh keja government, tp smntara nk stabil, penat la.

so, senang cakap, mak aku tak merasa sangat duit anak2 padahal dua anak dh kawen. skrg tinggal turn aku. aku kesian kat mak aku. duit haji pun x ckup. kalau boleh, sebelum aku kawen (antara sebab aku nak kawen lambat), aku nak bagi something kat mak aku. senangkan hati dia. sebab family aku nmpk senang, tapi sebaliknya pahit jugak la. aku bersyukur aku dalam golongan yg murah rezeki bab2 dapat duit ni. sekurang2nya, bila adik mintak duit, ada la aku nk hulur.

dan tahun depan, insyaAllah, aku akan mula keja sebagai pensyarah. kalau ikut tangga gaji, ok la utk mula hidup stabil, even di KL. tapi, family aku comes first. before aku kahwin, aku akan keja at least setahun. lepas tu baru pikir kawen (kalau ada orang yg teringin kat aku la. haha).

so, entry ni utk mengingatkan aku kembali, hidup aku skrg. mungkin 10 tahun lagi aku akan baca balik, sebab masa tu mungkin aku dah lupa, cara hidup aku skrg. cuma aku harap, aku tak lupa diri.

wallahua'lam.

TPM: Turn for Pelajar Mengajar :)

Assalamualaikum wrt...

Lately, this blog's n3ies were pretty much full of hatred, anger and other unpleasant emotions.

And now its time for an awesome news.

Alhamdulillah, great thanks to HIM, when I was experiencing the thrashing issue which greatly affected my 

whole self and emotion for almost 2 days, He presented me with a GREATer NEWS, and it truly is a great one which made me smile and all the grief over the thrash stuff got washed away just in seconds.

I finally got the offer letter for TPM or Tenaga Pengajar Muda scholarship.

Finally. After months of anticipation, I finally got the confirmation.

actually, the letter came in on the day after my car got thrashed, but i didnt know about it, until the day after.

So. there really is a hikmah about this. The truth behind this is that so when I got to see the letter, I've already managed to pull myself together, and so much so, I really did.

well, back to the TPM, for those who never heard about this, its actually offered by UITM. if you got the TPM, you would be sponsored for your post-graduate studies and right after you finish, you will get promoted to a lecturer's position immediately after an interview. well it states that you have to serve at least for 7 years after you finish, and then, you could leave UITM if you wish. But those who leave are really, erm, not thinking i guess? Unless they get better-paid job offer than being a UITM lecturer, then they're not really thinking. LOL.

anyway, the point here is, insyaAllah, right after i finish my studies, I will get to be an immediate UITM lecturer and I actually have secured a job which I wanted badly.

frankly speaking, I've been dreaming to be a lecturer since I was 8. serious speaking here. it started when i saw my aunt (who is currently the DEAN of BUSINESS ADMIN faculty of University Malaysia Sabah) in her office, so cosy, so professional-looking, and also, rich. of course thats the main point here. money.

you will never go anywhere now without the aim for more money, right people? yeah, i so agree with myself.

I LOVE TEACHING! 

well, i personally enjoy talking and people listening to me bluffing. thats actually what it is. =P

 oh please. I wont be this scary. ^^

i taught primary schools before and it was a tough experience but i really learned it the HARD way.

So, now that I've got the TPM, I'm open to any monitoring-classes job and i already had one, my very first-real-university-class monitoring yesterday and it was great! I love it soo much!

Well, enough of me rambling. Well, the point here is, I'M SERIOUSLY GONNA BE AN ENGLISH LECTURER AND I PRETTY LOVE IT!

ALHAMDULILLAH....

See you in class later!!!

=P

Thrashed by thrash.

Seriously I've never thought something like this could befall me, but of course,

He always knows better.

I was thrashed by thrash.

Well of course, the first thrash is literally,

and the second one, I would like to hope it is also something literal.

For me, its none other than thrash, whoever have the heart to do such thing.

and literally, its not me who was thrashed, but its my car.

But its like me being thrashed, cause my car is my heart.

As much as I love it,

I would like others to understand its like a child to me.

How could you put a bag of thrash onto one's car bonet?

Even if you don't have good stuff to say, and you meant good, thats obviously NOT the best way to 

COMMUNICATE.

that's why I said its thrash, whoever did that.

If they'd learned how to write, to COMMUNICATE, if they are literate (oh how I wished to use WERE), 

they wouldn't have done that, for whatever mistake I've ever done.

Can they read my mind? No.

Do they know whether I purposely put my car there to TROUBLE them? No.

I had the chance to catch the culprit, but I tried hard to prevent myself from ASKING because if I'd known, 

that person would be DEAD, whoever they are.

and let's just wish that's also literal.

YES, DEAD, literally.

my car obviously doesn't display any sign of,

THRASH ME.

oh, illiterate people, I pity them.

Lets just pray I won't be able to know who they are FOREVER.

Wasted my tears.

tearing not because of sadness, but because of excessive uncontrollable anger.

Yeah, since I couldn't get the culprit,

and I was trying very hard to restrain myself,

that caused me to tear up.

for whatever reason I did wrong,

now I'm not at the wrong side anymore,

because of their stupid THRASHING MISTAKE.

FOOLS and MANIACS.

Prejudice? Kill me. ^^

Assalamualaikum...

Yes, at first I thought I may be bit petty, to be posting about this? but frens, learn ur lesson. Kalau kita hidup beramai2, berjemaah, u better go with the flow la kan... u cant live in the house as if u r the only person living in the house, and we're entitled to advices from others if we did wrong. but yes, i entered the house with privileges. i already have two friends in the house, one is my coursemate and the other one is my ex-schoolmate (and we were quite close during those times).

but this one person, i just dont know where did she come from, she just couldnt accept advises, and it so happened, i was the first person to tegur her (just after a month living in the house when she had already been in the house for almost a year and nobody had ever talked to her about her manner before) in a very normal housemate way about her manner, which is wearing a pair of slippers just everywhere in the house including the kitchen where all the bad stuff are on the floor and she drags them all along with her, to the living room, to the bedroom and so on. She got furious at me, and she slammed the door at my face. Ok. so i thought, ok, i wont say anything anymore but that time, i really had to say it because the kitchen floor had already those ULAT because of the sampah and i dont want those ULATs to be on the carpet at the living room, so i had the urge to speak to her about that.

starting from there on, she sees me as an enemy when I still act as usual cause i would never see her as enemy but i know she is uncomfortable with me around, so she started to eat in her bedroom, taking all the stuff inside, back from work, quickly hides in the bedroom. thats her problem bcoz i am fine with her being at the same place with me. it doesnt bother me at all.

and then, it so happened, one of the frens who have actually been thinking about her bad manners suddenly came back from the hometown and talked to her about the access card and the parking lot (which she has been using it by herself without bothering to share with me when i entered the house since now two people of the house have cars). so she thought it was ME who instigated that fren to talk to her about that when i didnt know about it at all. seriously i dont mind parking outside of our apartment gate since i've gotten familiar with it. so its not a prob to me, not at all.

but since she already has prejudice towards me, with me having my old and current frens in the house and my easy going character which allows me to mingle with all the people easily, she has been seeing me as a threat to her life in the house since that slippers incident. and so, just now we had a meeting about RULES OF THE HOUSE (which actually meant to fix her manner but in the end failed bcoz my fren felt that it would make her angrier if she were to talk to her in front of the others like that) and right after the meeting, i know she would think i'm the person behind it all and so, it was true. she still thinks that i'm a nuisance to her. when we have a prejudice towards that person, we would always think she does the wrong thing.

Well, this is the proof. ^^

she is angrier at me, thats why she posted this. but never mind. Its just that, its funny. I did nothing, seriously nothing?

But always, whenever i go to places, there would be people looking at me as enemy, just because I open my mouth about the truth. Oh well i cant be a bystander, just watching people annoying other people. I hate that. And i did the right thing. before this, there's another status about me but lets skip that.

o yes, i know, this is kind of bad, posting about someone, but please guys, lets learn something here. I learn something too. It makes me think real hard of my prejudice towards others. LOL. of course i do have those stuff too, but usually, my prejudice is SHARED BY MANY, who think so too. LOL. So, is that a GENERAL OPINION? Lets put on our thinking cap.

I really hate it to be in this situation though my situation is favourable since others in the house know that she's the one who need to reflect, but its still bothering me. I really hate it. Just hope that one day, she will get to learn ways to live uprightly, not like this.

Another thing is that, she said herself that she purposely lives with strangers to not let her GOOD FRENS know about her CYNICAL SIDE? and what is that supposed to mean? I pity her, really. She doesn't have friends to show her the right way. good friends are those who showed you the right way, but she doesnt have those kind of friends since she's already aware of that but she's not making any progress to correct those CYNICAL SIDEs.

Moral of the story? CAST AWAY YOUR PREJUDICE AND LEARN TO LIVE WITH OTHERS WELL. ^^

Entah Kenapa...

Pak nenek di pembaringan terakhir...

Entah kenapa,

Jemari ini menari.

Entah mengapa,

Aku terpanggil untuk melakar sesuatu.

Entah kenapa,

Hati ini begitu sayu.

Entah kenapa,

Wajah mereka bermain di ruang mata.

Entah kenapa,

Aku begitu ingin ke sana.

Entah kenapa,

Sukar untukku menerima.

Entah kenapa,

Saat ini begitu menyesakkan.

Entah kenapa,

Hati ini begitu degil mahu berbicara.

Entah kenapa,

Jiwa ini begitu terasa kehilangan.

Entah kenapa,

Berkali-kali ayat suci kusedekahkan.

Entah kenapa,

Gusarnya masih kurasa.

Entah kenapa,

Segala-galanya bagaikan tidak nyata.

Entah kenapa,

Aku begitu rindukan mereka.

Entah kenapa,

Air mata mengalir lagi,

Untuk kesekian kalinya...

Ya Allah,

Semoga mereka berada di kalangan kekasihMu.

Amiin...

Nenek dah pergi...

as i am writing this, tears are streaming but i just dont know how to stop it.

my two beloved people, left me this year.

early this year was marked by my grandma's passing away.

and just this afternoon, it was her beloved lonely husband who followed her suit,

only after 5 months living without her by his side.

I know he's got his wish to be by her side fulfilled,

and I really hope their love is for eternity.

when mak nenek passed away on the 31st of January,

I wanted to write about her badly,

but I just don't know why I didn't.

Now I know.

Because I have to write about them both in a post.

and its after today, 4th of July 2011.

this post won't be a complete post anyway.

its just that,

I am really happy, despite not being able to pay him my last respect, since in my family,

I was the very last person to see him and talk to him.

I even peeled him rambutans which he ate very hungrily and happily.

If it wasn't for my ummi who asked me to go,

I wouldn't even feel like going,

and now I'm glad I did.

I really am.

Same goes to my mak nenek.

I didn't want to go since I think its not really necessary.

I will still see her the next raya.

turns out I wont.

and I'm glad I went to Tawau that day,

even for a day.

cause that was my very last time seeing her.

Thanks to my ummi's words.

Pak nenek and mak nenek,

you're always with me,

in my heart.

I know I wont be able to forget

both of you,

since you had a very significant appearance in the life

of a Najah from the day she was born.

Both of you taught me everything.

Eternal love,

and happiness.

my coming birthday won't be something good to remember.

cause its the day I'm without both of you.

2011 is the year i wont ever forget.

my first-launched novel,

and the leaving of both of you.

In cherished memories,

Haji Bahron Tahir and Zainab Mase,

Samarinda-Tawau

Al-Fatihah

Eveni+fying+mare!

It's a creepy bad dream at one evening!

One fine day...

I just dont know why I felt so exhausted that day. Maybe it's because of lack of good sleep, and so I forced my eyes closed after Asr.

Then the dream began. Its like a novel. trust me, all those marriage by agreement story line, it actually took place in my dream, and the guy was someone I really despise. urgh!

Ok, so let me tell you a story, a very interesting one (very novel-like)

I was back from my somewhere, its kind of blurry, where it started from. I was unpacking or packing my stuff with my younger sister in my room, and then, there he was, at the dining table with my sister (somehow my 'sister' had transformed into the face of my degree mate) and they were discussing something unknown to me.

I was like, "What's he doing here? so annoying, him being in my house and whatsoever." but i didn't disturb them since he was like ignoring me (as he usually does I think and it's not like i was expecting him to present me with a warm friendly smile whenever we saw each other).

and then suddenly, he came up to me, and revealed his ultimate reason for coming to my house, and it was because of ME and our somehow-i-was-married-to-him-but-for-some-reasons-it-was-based-on-an-agreement MARRIAGE.

DAMN! and he was there to claim me! seriously, i was screaming very hard at him for not keeping his promise to make our marriage a secret and that we run our own lives secretly as we had agreed on before we were married. because i seriously DESPISE him and never thought that the very novel-like story line would befall me, I was crying and panting and screaming and shouting at him to get out of my life.

but he just smiled and being very stubborn, he had called his parents and they already agreed about me and him living together as REAL hubby and wifey.

you know how it feels when you really dont want something but it keeps coming to you making you very frustrated and you feel like screaming to you heart's content? thats how it felt like. seriously, i was really frustrated and angry at him as i chased him away but he kept coming with a smile. argh!

my parents had also agreed on our marriage and he was so happy while I keep lamenting the marriage we had and i really wished i could get away from him. i was so strained in my dream that when my friend came to wake me up to perform the asr prayer, she was like hesitating since my face looked very tired.

Yes I was extremely tired in my dream, playing tag with that guy!

he followed me everywhere and kept reminding me that i was her wife and whatever i did, i was still his wife.

"Weh! ko tak faham bahasa ke? aku kata aku benci ko kan! boleh blah tak dari hidup aku?" one of my lines. yes, i was very harsh since i was extremely angry and frustrated!

"Tak pe, aku takkan lepaskan ko sampai bila-bila. ko still wife aku." with a very innocent and indifferent face, he replied to me!

"Aku tak mau la! yang ko gatal sangat ni kenapa? Pergi jalanlah!"

"Tak nak. ni rumah isteri aku."

trust me, it was very novel-like and now, i seriously understand how it feels like when u were in that kind of SITUATION. very frustrating and provoking!

and he was chasing me up to this park, where i was crossing a jungle with two ropes, one to step on and one to hold on to, and i was like, what the hell

was he doing here?

but somehow, since it's just a one rope for one way route, i was like going to the wrong way and i had to wait for others to cross, and suddenly he popped up in front of me.

his face was gloomy, he didn't say anything, just signaled with his eyes for me to follow him and strangely (which i obviously wont do if i'm at my right state of mind) i did follow him to the right rope for the way we're heading, and then........

Argh! So cute! ^^

"najah, ko dah asar belum?"

Zup! I was gasping for air as soon as i opened my eyes hurriedly. yes, i did.

and i was delighted and relieved when i opened my eyes and found myself not on a rope with the guy i despise and I'M NOT FOLLOWING HIM SOMEWHERE UNKNOWN TO ME (cause other really-related-to-marriage-stuff might take place, who knows? phew!) AND WE'RE NOT MARRIED TO EACH OTHER. and also, bcoz it was not a nightmare (since it happened in broad daylight). if it was a nightmare, it could carry a 1001 meanings! and i really wish i wont have to encounter that guy in the near future or even, THE FARTHER FUTURE.

when i woke up, the very one thing occurred to me, why him of all the guys and gays i know? i didn't even think of him recently since there's no reason for me to do so.

but I'm glad, its a bad dream. just A VERY BAD DREAM.

Allah, I'm sorry for sleeping after Asr... =_= I WONT DO THAT AGAIN! PINKY PROMISE! (cause I'm really scared to death!)

p/s: really wish you who're reading this had this novel-like dream! LOL

lowest

Now, I'm at my lowest point.

Crying for nothing.

lost.

the only thing that I have been longing for

has flown out of my hands.

i would never be able to retrieve it back.

cause there's no way

I would want it back.

Never.

The only thing I ever wanted since

I hold the pen.

Is now nowhere close.

crushed.

Allah show me the way.

T_T

I've got to look for a new dream.

I rarely have dreams.

And it's hard to look for a new one.

When you've been holding on for too long,

saying goodbye is the least thing u want.

Now its only me and my pen.

Only us.

AAJ DI PASARAN JUN INI!

ASSALAMUALAIKUM WRT.

Dengan ini, saya ingin mengumumkan bahawa Anaknya, Anakku Jua atau nama glamornya, AAJ, akan menemui korang, para pembaca yang setia menanti, di pasaran pada bulan JUN iaitu NEXT MONTH!!! Yay!!

Kesian kat saya sebab saya rasa orang lain mungkin dah ada yang tau lebih awal dari saya (kalau korang rajin jenguk website KN, memang dah ada AAJ kat situ).

Sedih? Bercampur baur dengan gembira kerana akhirnya AAJ sudah lahir. Hahaha... Untuk yang tak tengok lagi cover AAJ, this is a POWER PEEK. hehehe...

So, OK ke? Pada saya, OK SANGAT! Comel! hahahahahaha.....

Hana pun kata dia suka.......

Macam tak percaya je tu novel saya.

hahahahahahahahahahahahah

(Korang tak tau betapa saya gelak sambil menangis sambil melolong bila tengok AAJ kat website KN)

Ok.

Kepada yang baru kenal blog ni dan tak tahu menatang AAJ tu apa, inilah sejarah AAJ ya.

Novel kedua saya (hahahah, sbnrnya yg ketiga tp x pyh la tau yg kedua tu yg mana, hehehe) selepas Kira Ayumi, saya mula menulis AAJ pada tarikh 9 April 2009 (09.04.09) dan saya juga telah menghantar AAJ ke website Penulisan2u.

Rentetan dari sambutan yang menggalakkan dari pembaca di P2U, encik Muzri dengan berbesar hati telah mengetengahkan AAJ kepada penerbit untuk cadangan diterbitkan dan kerana itu, saya telah disuruh menyediakan manuskrip AAJ yang telah dihantar ke tangan penerbit secara rasminya pada 4 Julai 2010 untuk penilaian penuh.

Setelah lama menanti jawapan, akhirnya pada 18 Februari 2011, saya mendapat berita baik iaitu AAJ akan diterbitkan oleh KN.

Setelah urusan surat setuju terbit dibuat, sekali lagi saya dalam penantian menanti tarikh sebenar AAJ akan diterbitkan. Kalau nak diikutkan, KN sudah ada list penuh untuk tahun ni, dan diorang sebenarnya bercadang untuk publish AAJ next year. Tapi, setelah diorang pertimbangkan balik, akhirnya, diorang selitkan jugak AAJ untuk list tahun ni. Untuk itu, saya sangat bersyukur sebab dah ramai yang bertanya dan saya sendiri tak ada jawapan. Jadi, sekurang-kurangnya bila orang tanya kenapa lambat, saya ada jawapan untuk tu. hehehe...

Pada 7 April, KN email saya untuk mintak sinopsis, penghargaan, blurb, biodata, dan semua yang berkenaan untuk dicetak di novel tu. Sebenarnya, ini part yg sedih sikit. Bukan sedih apa, tapi agak tak best di pihak saya. Saya diberi masa yang sedikit untuk sediakan semua tu, dan saya memang terlupa langsung untuk sediakan semua benda tu sebelum diminta, Almaklumla, first time. Jadi memang saya tak terfikir langsung pasal semua tu. Bila diorang mintak, saya cuma ada dlm 4 jam mcm tu untuk tulis semua tu, dgn cari gmbr yg sesuai lagi (dan rupanya sy x ada gmbr perseorangan yg elok untuk dijadikan tatapan satu Malaysia! ah! Pathetic!)

Cari gambar dh buang masa, makanya, sinopsis sy pun agak terabur, mmg sgt x puas hati tp nak tak nak, kena bg sbb diorg kata nak cepat.

Kemudian, senyap lagi tanpa berita. Dua hari lepas, terdetik di hati nak email KN n tanya, dan barulah sy tau AAJ akan keluar next month, bulan JUN.

Alhamdulillah....

Legaa.......

Tapi.....

Bila tengok sinopsisnya....

Hmm...

Tak apalah, mungkin ada baiknya diorang tak guna yg sy bg sbb entah apa-apa. hahaha. Novel saya yang lepas ni (SAYA AKAN PASTIKAN ADA NOVEL SAYA YANG KEDUA DAN SETERUSNYA hahahahahah) akan saya siapkan yang terbaik untuk korang, PEMBACA YANG TERBAIK!

SAYA BERJANJI!

hehehehe.....

So, this is it. AAJ akan keluar bulan depan ya korang. Yang tak ada duit, sila pastikan gaji or elaun bulan depan dah disimpan RM22 (bg semenanjung) dan RM25 bagi Sabah Sarawak sebab AAJ tebal sikit. hahahahaha....

OR

Kan saya dah cakap, kalau korang tak nak beli pun tak apa. Sebab saya nak bagi peluang kat korang untuk dapat AAJ percuma, siap dgn sign lagi. Tak nak? Nak ke tak nak? ;)

Saya akan hold contests before AAJ keluar, maksudnya, before Jun lah kan.

Tapi, korang kena "Like" page "ANARIF" di FB secepat mungkin sebab who knows when am I gonna hold the contest? kan? kan?

dan lagipun, saya sebenarnya tengah menunggu ramai lagi pembaca di luar sana untuk 'like' my page sblm hold contest tu. Saya nak semua org get an equal chance, but if korang tak nak, tak pe la. Takkan nak paksa-paksa, kan? hehehe....

Anyway, AAJ akan keluar and pastikan korang tunggu AAJ tau!

Lastly, thanks sangat-sangat sebab sentiasa memberi semangat kepada saya untuk terus menulis (wlupun ramai jd silent readers je) tapi sy hargai 'kehadiran' korang di blog ni.

Terima kasih atas sokongan korang!

I LOVE YOU ALL, AND MAY ALLAH BLESS US ALL.

love,

anarif

PLEASE TAKE OUT WITH PERMISSION AND PROPER CREDITS TO BLOG AND AUTHOR. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

Good news for BLOGGERS!

ok. this is an extremely good news. mesti korg yg tgk semua blog aku dh naik meluat tgk benda kat atas ni tiap kali link aku diklik. sorry, but u r giving me money when u click my link. aku tak tipu la, serius. next time aku post bukti sbb aku br je mula n br ada sorg click link aku. (and now i'm expecting good news since aku baru post new n3 and aku dh shrink link tu) haha. tapi mmg dpt duit.

and aku dpt duit bila korg KLIK LINK AKU. aku tak tipu. klik link saja dh dpt duit. bukan apa, kan nuffnang tu just letak iklan kat blog. klu org rasa berminat, org click. kalau x, sepi je nuffnang aku. dan setelah bertahun aku letak, baru $1 lebih. x ingat brapa. silap aku gak. aku memilih profil readers hari tu salah. hahaha.

tak pe. topik lain. so, macam mana aku boleh terjebak? mcm ni. aku ni kan layan gak Hallyu Wave esp Encik Super Junior, so, aku suka visit page sorang mamat nih utk cari video SJ yg terbaru with Eng Sub. maklumla, x pakar bhs korea lg. untuk maklumat lanjut, refer sini.

pas2 kan, lately, link video dia, bila diklik, akan keluar page warna biru semacam je. dia dh bg arahan dah. lepas klik link tu, klik SKIP AD kat bhgn atas kanan sekali. tapi, dun worry. secepat mana korg blah dr page tu pun, dia dh dpt duit ok.... serius betul, aku x tipu.

memula aku menyampah. lama2 aku pelik. biar betul kan? dpt duit bila klik. aku baca la dia punya propaganda yg tertulis. dan aku fhmkan, aku try. mmg dapat duit!

serius! caranya? mudah je. bila korang dah daftar, kalau korang ada blog, just use the blog url sbg permulaannya. and then, pegi kat field yg tersedia, sebelah button SHRINK besar2. paste kat field tu, shrink. then, copy link tu. pas2, try paste kat facebook korg link blog korg, share and make it ur status. klu bertuah ada org klik, korg check la, ada duitnya. serius. tp ada la certain rate utk korg keluarkan duit tu. and btw, dia akan bg duit tu virtually, via PAYPAL or ALERTPAY. so, sblm buat akaun ni, siapkan PAYPAL dulu. aku ckp siap2 ni.

korg boleh paste link 2 kat mana2 or anytime. dan selagi link 2 x didelete dr korg punya akaun ADF.LY, link 2 akan bg duit bila dklik.

kenapa aku buat? sbb aku kan bnyk blog. pas2, x rugi pun. dia bukan amik duit. kenapa aku buat nuffnang? same reason knp aku x try ni. so, if x nak try, x dek sesapa rugi. tp klu korg rajin post link merata, x rugi. lg x rugi klu korg punya blog ramai followers. ha! mantap! selagi korg create link di internet, selagi 2 korg buat duit. video, gmbr, blog n3, (dan n3 ini akan menjadi mangsa aku seterusnya hahahaha) korg boleh buat duit.

x percaya? ingat benda ni spam? sukatila. aku x rugi. selagi org klik link ni utk baca, aku x rugi pape pun. hahahaha

oklah, aku nk chow demi menyebarkan benda ni. dan utk mdpt lebih bnyk duit. INGAT! SEKALI KLIK, NO TURNING BACK!!

Masyuk.....................................................................................zzzzzz.........................$$$$$$.......... ;)

p/s: thanks to anybody who click the link above! ;)

Blogging bloggers

first of all, i'm impressed. i'm impressed to see blogs with regular updates and every update is full of colours. and i mean colours, colours.

the posts are in variety with small, big, biggest fonts, different colours, and various stories.. i'm really, really impressed.

why? naa, dont ask. those who follow me here (other than My Art Pieces and The Other Side of Me) definitely know why i feel that way. dont you? i bet u do.

i RARELY update my blog. well, currently i have like 6 blogs, 4 active and 2 inactive blogs, and i was like, OMG, why do i have so many and the present me says, "Why the hell you created so many?" and the past me says, "I dont know, screw you!" and the future me says, "Ok, thats enough. Its for me." and i guess the future me won.

i think its best left at it. fullstop.

and my biggest worries right now is? i'm about to do research about blogging. its been two weeks since i last met my supervisor and during the first meeting, she said, "I'll meet u in the future if only u have something 2 show me." and my reply, "Thats great!" the inner me? THATS AWESOME! so i'll call u back in a month the quickest!

and there i was, lingering in the net, leisuring with my writings, blabbing at my freelancing boss about my latest job, working in my fac, anything but the journals on BLOGS as i was advised to do.

and the next wednesday? she called. yes. she CALLED. "Hi, are we meeting today?" I cant even register her voice. "W-what? erm, I dont think so..." Yes, bcoz i never thought she would ever CALL! "Ok, so, i guess ur READING is still on?" "Y-yes it is."

and No, it ISN'T. i know nothing about journals for blogging, i havent laid my eyes on not even a word, i didn't even google for it when i have the time (of course i have time) and didn't start a scratch.

and this week? she expected us to meet but of course, i couldn't find my time (still) to search for the journals etcetera bcoz my beloved freelancing boss gave a job for my weekend when i have already determined to work on my research as preparation for the coming wednesday.

and here comes Strong Heart, a Korean show and it took me 3 days to complete it. there goes my weekend. happily ever after.

and then? nightmare. you know how it feels? she expects u to meet her but i didn't. and since i'm the one who is in need of her consultation, i should have prepared every wednesday but it's been put off for two consecutive weeks. and its not good.

if u were me? yes. i will have to meet her next wednesday WITH AT LEAST 5 PAGES OF ISSUES to be discussed with her to make up for the two MISSING-NOT-IN-ACTION DAYS.

oh dear. its my first semester and i've to pull myself together. bad performance during my degree is enough. another unsatisfied lecturer is the last thing i gonna need for now.. what with my novel to be published, my freelancing, my writing, my research, my faculty job, i have to be super fast and super resistent to oversleeping in order to complete the whole week to call it A Week.

yeah. hopefully, next week i'll get to meet her with a Smiling and Bright Face. :)

till then!

p/s: what about blogging that u think good enough to be studied? put on ur thinking caps with me, pls!!! =P

Love letter!

perhatian: ini bukan kisah surat cinta atau rancangan variety Korea bertajuk Love Letter. ia tiada kena-mengena dengan semua yang disebutkan. :)

aku balik tengahari tadi dari ofis, and kak ijah (pem

bantu rumah) cakap, "Ada surat untukmu."

aku dah berdebar-debar kalah orang nak nikah (rasanya la. tak pernah tau pun macam mana rasanya kan?) dan cepat2 aku capai surat tu.

ada nama aku, dan cop KAKI NOVEL!

yeah! finally!

sebenarnya itu surat setuju terbit untuk novel sulung aku, AAJ yang dah dihantar utk penilaian berbulan lalu dan akhirnya, ia dah diterima dan akan diterbitkan.

akhirnya aku telah berjaya menghasilkan karya sendiri! yeah!

p/s: dah pening pk rupa bentuk autograf yang perlu direka. hahahahaha

BULK: a student again....

i have never looked around for job. i've never felt urged to look for a job, until i've graduated and i stayed at home without certain determined future.

at first, i thought i wont be pursuing studies again since the experience of writing my research paper during the final sem of my degree really worn me out. i'm tired and i learned to hate it, very much. and so, thats what i told people around. my aunt, my mom, my siblings. but as i sat around and not doing anything, i felt restless, and a little bit of ashamed. i cant find a job (which suits my likings) and of course, its difficult to find a job to suit my likings. i initially want to be a lecturer since i was 8, and the only key to be a lecturer is at least to have a masters degree. i thought i would be able to go through like some LUCKY DEGREE HOLDERS. and again, only LUCKY ones. and i'm obviously not one of them.

i came across a lot of vacancy for lecturers but i'm not eligible to apply, so i couldnt. frustration, restlessness, and shame started to build up. i began to feel remorse for not applying. friends and family around me started to look intimidating and i really despise the feeling.

i called a friend who seemed to know more about the situation and she told me that my faculty is currently preparing to offer some eligible students of my degree batch to pursue masters in the same faculty, Academy of Language Studies UiTM. i called the respective lecturer to confirm the matter and he told me to just sit and wait for the letter. and i waited. for students who does not reach certain required cgpa to receive an offer, they have to apply for the masters and 2 of my friends did. feeling insecure, i called the lecturer again to verify the matter bcoz i thought if i didnt apply, i wont get to pursue the next sem, meaning in january 2011. and his reply was very unconvincing. and i thought, here goes another wasted sem, and i have to wait for another sem to apply for the programme.

and when i was about to grieve for my carelessness to miss the date, i received a call saying i've been offered to pursue my studies in my former faculty and i was like, THATS EXCELLENT! alhamdulillah, another way opened is laid right in front of me, and without hesitating, i accepted the offer and spread the good news to everyone i know.

and now, i've started my life as a Masters by Research student under the LG780 programme, Applied Language Studies. hopefully, it could be completed in 2 years time.

i have a certain future now. and i'm really thankful for that. ;)

p/s: argh! student again! luckily i dont have classes and exams. phew!

BULK: tiring anticipation....

note: since i have been IDLE from my blog for quite a long time, i will be posting multiple outdated pending posts. thats why it is BULK posts. ;)


JULY 2010

so, i finished my degree, i graduated, and i am happy. returning home is my first long-awaited anticipation. returning home here means gathering all my books, and i mean all boxes of my collection during the time i studied in uitm shah alam since 2006. my law books as well as my english communication books. two boxes, lots of bags, and numerous tiny small little things (that i collected inadvertently as time goes by) that makes my small kelisa looks smaller with all the stuff but thank God, they all managed to go in. and i happily went home as a freshly graduated unemployed person.

AUGUST 2010

the first thing i worked on was my novel. and its completed sometime early of july (i guess). i eagerly sent the manuscript, and now i'm tired of waiting for the result.

i worked as a substitute teacher in a primary school for approx 2 months, and i accepted my former boss' offer to work with him but i only lasted for three days since the person he asked me to replace had already find a more permanent replacement and i know better than to stay working as an office girl. but i gained something. i now know how to work with excel. LOL. before this i've always despised excel but now i realised its the best application to work on!

NOVEMBER 2010

its my big bro's wedding, and its also my convocation day on EXACTLY the same day, 28th of november.. and i'm honoured with first class degree. can u guess what did i choose? of course. the wedding. i had a very difficult time dealing with people who tried to arisen resentment in me for deciding to not attend my OWN CONVO DAY. and i passed the days barely by crying twice, and thats it.


well, i know most people can never rationalise my choice but for me, its not a very difficult choice to be made. i cried and i decided not to go. my parents could not say a thing about it. as for me, i've been looking forward for the wedding more than my convo. for me, convocation is not really a something. it becomes something because people made it into something from nothing. they claimed it as a very special day for u to signifying the finishing of school and ur graduation. thats it. as long as i know i've graduated, doesnt matter if i cant go. plus uitm is very well known to be the university with the MOST STUDENTS, and when it says MOST, it means MOST. the number of uitm students graduating each year is horrifying, and outstanding since the number of intake as well is BIG. and the convo? please use ur imagination. tq. thats why i hate it when its convo time. uitm shah alam will become very crowded as well as shah alam. maybe the natural feeling of not liking the situation led to me being not very anticipating of my own convo day. and so, the day passed. and until now, i have no regrets. i still can rent the convo robe and go to the studio for some CONVO PHOTOS. so its not really a big deal. for me. moreover, attending ur own convo ALONE is equivalent with not attending at all. agreed?

and the wedding? ITS AWESOME. i had a very great family time with my extended family who came all the way from KL, Sabah, Penang. thats why i didnt want to go to my convo. since we live very faraway from each other, we only meet each other around on special days, like raya, wedding, and long breaks. why would i miss that? never. being with my family is always the best day in my life. ;)


p/s: bulk posts will be continued in another post. tq. :)

Selamat Hari Raya!!

sob.

sob.

sob.

my first time celebrating raya without family.

and the weird thing is they're not here.

they went overseas.

sabah.

my mum's hometown.

sob.

this time, last day of ramadhan, it feels really different..

usually, i wont have time 2 surf the net.

we would be very busy preparing the meal, the table for food, the plates, spoons, forks, glasses,
new clothes...


but right now, i'm surfing the net, freely, no one ordering me to look after the food cooking on stove, ironing clothes, preparing plates, food cases, jars for kuih raya.

and sadly, my bro and i dont even know what to eat tomorrow in the morning of Aidilfitri.

we are planning to buy something, and if i feel like cooking, maybe i'll prepare soto.

maybe.

its just the two of us.

now we have to plan our way for tomorrow.

whose house to go...

of course our main aim is to grab food as much as possible since we dont prepare any.

sad.

right now, they will be very busy preparing food, plates, carpets, tables, drinks, clothes, while chatting merrily and nagging each other...


looks like this time around my raya would be very different. no family pictures, no 'sesi bersalaman' and 'duit raya' (I WANT DUIT RAYA!), no jokes on food, no pics with newborn cous, nephews and nieces, and obviously, NO FUN!

sob! sob! sob!

internally...eternally....

i dont know where else to post this since my fb is not that 'comfortable' and 'private' anymore,
thus preventing me to post anything, just anything to voice out my thoughts, just like i always did before.

i'm burdened,
and i've never felt as burdened as now before.

living at other's expenses is always like this.
i didnt choose it this way,
but i cant leave either,
cause securing one's face is the only honourable thing left for me now.

i want to leave badly,
cause all this while,
i've never felt at loss and in humiliation as much as now.

its because i've always been a stubborn person,
and one with firm stand, if u put it positively,
and right now,
when i'm being questioned by the one i hate to answer,
i'm burdened.

i dont want to answer,
its not because i dont have the answer.
i have it and i'm confident with it.
but will u understand me?
call me coward,
but with ur nature,
it'll only work out if u see what i've become later.

with u, only the proof can work it out.
please, only this time,
let me out.

i respect u as much as i respect my mum,
and i adore u for what u've become.

but being the best out of the best,
cant u please let me get out of the stereotype,
and view me as a brand-new person?
i need that badly.

pursuing my dreams have always been my priority,
but not everyone can understand it.
and my parents have always been topping my list.

they're my number 1,
and whatever i do,
is always dedicated for them.
trust me.
not even for a while have i thought of abandoning them

call me crazy for not valuing my achievement so far,
call me stupid for sitting down and doing nothing,
but the nothing i do right now in your eyes,
will soon be the best thing in my life,
and others around me.

my degree,
i've never worked for it,
and therefore,
i dont value it as much.

dont ask me why,
but its because i know myself better.
typical way of living.
i really hate that.

its not a short-cut that i'm taking,
but its the preview of my future that i'm drawing.
for those involved,
for those i love and value very much,
this is what i'm trying to do.

right now,
i'm working on it.
i wont ask for ur help,
but a little consideration and understanding might help.
just a little will do.
please, just this once, trust me, have faith in me.

yes, they say this is an impossible thing for someone like me to do.
its ridiculous,
but to start a new thing,
there's always this say.

only the brave and courageous will go through unharmed,
and for once in my life,
i want to be among those,
and i know,
with my hard work and strong will,
i can make it.

i can, and i will.
just pray.
thats my only wish,
from u.
for me.