Berdiri Atas Kaki Sendiri

Assalamualaikum.

Dah lama bebenor x jenguk sini. Last entry 4 bulan lalu. Great.

Well, ada satu benda yang ingin aku kisahkan. Sekarang, duit biasiswa belum masuk. (dah x larat dah terkejar2 sana sini supaya duit tu masuk). So, aku bergantung pada my beloved ummi for pocket money. Bayar sewa, duit makan, semua la. and it's been four months rasanya macam tu.

Tapi aku jot down brapa bnyk aku ambik, tiap kali aku ambik. so aku kira hutang. sejak dulu lagi, sejak aku masuk asasi law, memang aku bayar balik kalau aku ambik duit dari parents aku. tak tau la kenapa, rasa wajib untuk bayar. anyway, mungkin sebabnya, kedudukan kewangan family aku buatkan aku tak boleh duduk senang kalau aku ambik duit mak aku sebab aku rasa, aku dah tak patut bergantung pada mak aku.

satunya, family aku skrg berpusat pada mak aku. bisnes abah tak berapa bagus, so semua pada ummi. adik aku tiga org pun bergantung pada mak aku lg. hutang abang aku, kakak aku, hutang kereta, rumah, semua mak aku bayar. wlupun gaji mak aku agak besar, tp untuk menampung satu rumah patutnya memang sakit la.

so aku tak tenang kalau aku ambik tanpa bayar balik. bukan maksud aku, bila habis hutang, aku akan ignore parents aku. tak. tapi sebelum aku memberi, duit belanja yg mak aku bg aku akan byr, wlupun ckit2.

sebab tu la agaknya duit aku tak pernah cukup. sebab dari dulu, aku mmg dpt duit bnyk. tapi lepas tu, settle hutang, tinggal habuk la. and duduk di bandar shah alam ni, memang seratus seminggu bererti kau memang tahan makan. kalau kau makan secara sihat dan betul, 200 paling kurang la. kalau makan mewah, infiniti.

duit kereta yg aku pakai, aku akan bayar balik. roadtax, semua benda yang mak aku byrkan dulu, aku akan bayar balik. mak aku pernah cakap, tak payah la. sebab kalau ikutkan, mungkin dia pun perasan aku kurang ambik duit dia sejak masuk u. yelah, lepas asasi (dapat elaun), degree dapat biasiswa and ptptn. pas2 masuk masters, keja dgn fakulti (sblm dpt biasiswa) dpt la 1300 sebulan tp mmg ckup utk hidup je sbb hutang sblumnya jugak.

bila nak lepas dari hutang, tak tau la. belum lg beli keta sendiri. aku mmg dpt bnyk duit, tapi banyak jugak benda yg aku kena buat. percaya atau tak, sebelum dapat duit, duit dah habis. dah plan nk byr hutang, bagi ummi abah, bagi adik2, bagi pengasuh, habis la duit aku.

dan aku rasa bertanggungjawab sebab mak aku selalu cakap, bayar balik (for unnecessary stuff yg terpaksa  guna duit dia untk bayar). mmg ada stgh org ckp, parents memberi bukan untuk terima balik. konon nk kata, mak aku berkira la. tapi mak aku bukan berkira. dia terpaksa, sebab banyak benda lain dia kena tanggung. so aku tak pernah salahkan mak aku, sebaliknya, aku rasa wajib aku byr balik, dan jugak tolong family yg lain.

kakak aku dh kawin, anak dua, dia dan family tinggal kat rumah aku. jadi mak aku jugak tanggung sebab gaji aku kakak aku kecik. laki dia meniaga kecil2an. abg sulung aku, sbb dh ada awek, lpas study kahwin. duit pun pinjam mak aku. mujur dh keja government, tp smntara nk stabil, penat la.

so, senang cakap, mak aku tak merasa sangat duit anak2 padahal dua anak dh kawen. skrg tinggal turn aku. aku kesian kat mak aku. duit haji pun x ckup. kalau boleh, sebelum aku kawen (antara sebab aku nak kawen lambat), aku nak bagi something kat mak aku. senangkan hati dia. sebab family aku nmpk senang, tapi sebaliknya pahit jugak la. aku bersyukur aku dalam golongan yg murah rezeki bab2 dapat duit ni. sekurang2nya, bila adik mintak duit, ada la aku nk hulur.

dan tahun depan, insyaAllah, aku akan mula keja sebagai pensyarah. kalau ikut tangga gaji, ok la utk mula hidup stabil, even di KL. tapi, family aku comes first. before aku kahwin, aku akan keja at least setahun. lepas tu baru pikir kawen (kalau ada orang yg teringin kat aku la. haha).

so, entry ni utk mengingatkan aku kembali, hidup aku skrg. mungkin 10 tahun lagi aku akan baca balik, sebab masa tu mungkin aku dah lupa, cara hidup aku skrg. cuma aku harap, aku tak lupa diri.

wallahua'lam.

TPM: Turn for Pelajar Mengajar :)

Assalamualaikum wrt...

Lately, this blog's n3ies were pretty much full of hatred, anger and other unpleasant emotions.

And now its time for an awesome news.

Alhamdulillah, great thanks to HIM, when I was experiencing the thrashing issue which greatly affected my 

whole self and emotion for almost 2 days, He presented me with a GREATer NEWS, and it truly is a great one which made me smile and all the grief over the thrash stuff got washed away just in seconds.

I finally got the offer letter for TPM or Tenaga Pengajar Muda scholarship.

Finally. After months of anticipation, I finally got the confirmation.

actually, the letter came in on the day after my car got thrashed, but i didnt know about it, until the day after.

So. there really is a hikmah about this. The truth behind this is that so when I got to see the letter, I've already managed to pull myself together, and so much so, I really did.

well, back to the TPM, for those who never heard about this, its actually offered by UITM. if you got the TPM, you would be sponsored for your post-graduate studies and right after you finish, you will get promoted to a lecturer's position immediately after an interview. well it states that you have to serve at least for 7 years after you finish, and then, you could leave UITM if you wish. But those who leave are really, erm, not thinking i guess? Unless they get better-paid job offer than being a UITM lecturer, then they're not really thinking. LOL.

anyway, the point here is, insyaAllah, right after i finish my studies, I will get to be an immediate UITM lecturer and I actually have secured a job which I wanted badly.

frankly speaking, I've been dreaming to be a lecturer since I was 8. serious speaking here. it started when i saw my aunt (who is currently the DEAN of BUSINESS ADMIN faculty of University Malaysia Sabah) in her office, so cosy, so professional-looking, and also, rich. of course thats the main point here. money.

you will never go anywhere now without the aim for more money, right people? yeah, i so agree with myself.

I LOVE TEACHING! 

well, i personally enjoy talking and people listening to me bluffing. thats actually what it is. =P

 oh please. I wont be this scary. ^^

i taught primary schools before and it was a tough experience but i really learned it the HARD way.

So, now that I've got the TPM, I'm open to any monitoring-classes job and i already had one, my very first-real-university-class monitoring yesterday and it was great! I love it soo much!

Well, enough of me rambling. Well, the point here is, I'M SERIOUSLY GONNA BE AN ENGLISH LECTURER AND I PRETTY LOVE IT!

ALHAMDULILLAH....

See you in class later!!!

=P

Thrashed by thrash.

Seriously I've never thought something like this could befall me, but of course,

He always knows better.

I was thrashed by thrash.

Well of course, the first thrash is literally,

and the second one, I would like to hope it is also something literal.

For me, its none other than thrash, whoever have the heart to do such thing.

and literally, its not me who was thrashed, but its my car.

But its like me being thrashed, cause my car is my heart.

As much as I love it,

I would like others to understand its like a child to me.

How could you put a bag of thrash onto one's car bonet?

Even if you don't have good stuff to say, and you meant good, thats obviously NOT the best way to 

COMMUNICATE.

that's why I said its thrash, whoever did that.

If they'd learned how to write, to COMMUNICATE, if they are literate (oh how I wished to use WERE), 

they wouldn't have done that, for whatever mistake I've ever done.

Can they read my mind? No.

Do they know whether I purposely put my car there to TROUBLE them? No.

I had the chance to catch the culprit, but I tried hard to prevent myself from ASKING because if I'd known, 

that person would be DEAD, whoever they are.

and let's just wish that's also literal.

YES, DEAD, literally.

my car obviously doesn't display any sign of,

THRASH ME.

oh, illiterate people, I pity them.

Lets just pray I won't be able to know who they are FOREVER.

Wasted my tears.

tearing not because of sadness, but because of excessive uncontrollable anger.

Yeah, since I couldn't get the culprit,

and I was trying very hard to restrain myself,

that caused me to tear up.

for whatever reason I did wrong,

now I'm not at the wrong side anymore,

because of their stupid THRASHING MISTAKE.

FOOLS and MANIACS.

Prejudice? Kill me. ^^

Assalamualaikum...

Yes, at first I thought I may be bit petty, to be posting about this? but frens, learn ur lesson. Kalau kita hidup beramai2, berjemaah, u better go with the flow la kan... u cant live in the house as if u r the only person living in the house, and we're entitled to advices from others if we did wrong. but yes, i entered the house with privileges. i already have two friends in the house, one is my coursemate and the other one is my ex-schoolmate (and we were quite close during those times).

but this one person, i just dont know where did she come from, she just couldnt accept advises, and it so happened, i was the first person to tegur her (just after a month living in the house when she had already been in the house for almost a year and nobody had ever talked to her about her manner before) in a very normal housemate way about her manner, which is wearing a pair of slippers just everywhere in the house including the kitchen where all the bad stuff are on the floor and she drags them all along with her, to the living room, to the bedroom and so on. She got furious at me, and she slammed the door at my face. Ok. so i thought, ok, i wont say anything anymore but that time, i really had to say it because the kitchen floor had already those ULAT because of the sampah and i dont want those ULATs to be on the carpet at the living room, so i had the urge to speak to her about that.

starting from there on, she sees me as an enemy when I still act as usual cause i would never see her as enemy but i know she is uncomfortable with me around, so she started to eat in her bedroom, taking all the stuff inside, back from work, quickly hides in the bedroom. thats her problem bcoz i am fine with her being at the same place with me. it doesnt bother me at all.

and then, it so happened, one of the frens who have actually been thinking about her bad manners suddenly came back from the hometown and talked to her about the access card and the parking lot (which she has been using it by herself without bothering to share with me when i entered the house since now two people of the house have cars). so she thought it was ME who instigated that fren to talk to her about that when i didnt know about it at all. seriously i dont mind parking outside of our apartment gate since i've gotten familiar with it. so its not a prob to me, not at all.

but since she already has prejudice towards me, with me having my old and current frens in the house and my easy going character which allows me to mingle with all the people easily, she has been seeing me as a threat to her life in the house since that slippers incident. and so, just now we had a meeting about RULES OF THE HOUSE (which actually meant to fix her manner but in the end failed bcoz my fren felt that it would make her angrier if she were to talk to her in front of the others like that) and right after the meeting, i know she would think i'm the person behind it all and so, it was true. she still thinks that i'm a nuisance to her. when we have a prejudice towards that person, we would always think she does the wrong thing.

Well, this is the proof. ^^

she is angrier at me, thats why she posted this. but never mind. Its just that, its funny. I did nothing, seriously nothing?

But always, whenever i go to places, there would be people looking at me as enemy, just because I open my mouth about the truth. Oh well i cant be a bystander, just watching people annoying other people. I hate that. And i did the right thing. before this, there's another status about me but lets skip that.

o yes, i know, this is kind of bad, posting about someone, but please guys, lets learn something here. I learn something too. It makes me think real hard of my prejudice towards others. LOL. of course i do have those stuff too, but usually, my prejudice is SHARED BY MANY, who think so too. LOL. So, is that a GENERAL OPINION? Lets put on our thinking cap.

I really hate it to be in this situation though my situation is favourable since others in the house know that she's the one who need to reflect, but its still bothering me. I really hate it. Just hope that one day, she will get to learn ways to live uprightly, not like this.

Another thing is that, she said herself that she purposely lives with strangers to not let her GOOD FRENS know about her CYNICAL SIDE? and what is that supposed to mean? I pity her, really. She doesn't have friends to show her the right way. good friends are those who showed you the right way, but she doesnt have those kind of friends since she's already aware of that but she's not making any progress to correct those CYNICAL SIDEs.

Moral of the story? CAST AWAY YOUR PREJUDICE AND LEARN TO LIVE WITH OTHERS WELL. ^^

Entah Kenapa...

Pak nenek di pembaringan terakhir...

Entah kenapa,

Jemari ini menari.

Entah mengapa,

Aku terpanggil untuk melakar sesuatu.

Entah kenapa,

Hati ini begitu sayu.

Entah kenapa,

Wajah mereka bermain di ruang mata.

Entah kenapa,

Aku begitu ingin ke sana.

Entah kenapa,

Sukar untukku menerima.

Entah kenapa,

Saat ini begitu menyesakkan.

Entah kenapa,

Hati ini begitu degil mahu berbicara.

Entah kenapa,

Jiwa ini begitu terasa kehilangan.

Entah kenapa,

Berkali-kali ayat suci kusedekahkan.

Entah kenapa,

Gusarnya masih kurasa.

Entah kenapa,

Segala-galanya bagaikan tidak nyata.

Entah kenapa,

Aku begitu rindukan mereka.

Entah kenapa,

Air mata mengalir lagi,

Untuk kesekian kalinya...

Ya Allah,

Semoga mereka berada di kalangan kekasihMu.

Amiin...