i thought i am over him. i thought i can make do without him, like i always did before. i thought i wont get goosebumps when he is around, and i thought, i could see him as a friend. but it turned out, i was totally wrong.
two days before, unknown caller called. i answered. i heard the voice, and i knew it was him, but i asked him who he was. he told me his email. i said, ok...whats up? if u could hear me talking, u'll know how icy n cold i was. that was our first conversation, after we ended everything.we did chat sometimes, but never talked to each other. plus he got a new number. and i didnt bother to ask Laila about it bcoz i know there's nothing left between us.it WAS all over!
he asked about something, and i was actually in a rush. i was getting ready for a kenduri, and its near his house. but i was praying hard (before he called) that i wouldnt bump into him.and i didnt.but he called when i was thinking about him. what a long life he will live.
right after he fnished asking about the 'formal' matter, he asked me my whereabouts. straightaway i told him i couldnt talk and i hang up. i didnt text him, he didnt text or call me afterwards.
i was thinking of texting him about the formal thing, just as friend but i didnt.
when they asked, i told them, its over.we chatted sometimes but i'm pretty sure i'll never ever have him in my life again.twice is more than enough and i cant bear to go thru the same thing for the third time. i cant take it any more.
and today, he was there, right in front of me, and we faced each other. i tried hard to be cool, and i succeeded. but deep inside, the feeling was burning hard, melting me again. and i know, this is the price i have to pay for having him residing deep down in my heart for almost 12 years!
i told them that i will not accept him again, but when he was right in front of me, the feeling, was there, once again. and his gaze, i just couldnt look at his eyes. i would divert my eyes straightaway. and i was very angry, bcoz he's acting the same like before, when we actually have nothing between us, bcoz its all over!
i just dont understand! when i'm trying hard to let him go, he will come again, and again, and i dont know until when could i resist this feeling. and lucky me, he's sailing again. and thats why he dropped by today.
i dont know whether his pure intention is whether to meet laila, or to see how am i doing.his chat, the way he talked to me,his words, now, everything is lingering in my head, and his face. i just dont know how to get rid of them when i've actually managed to do that before.
how i hate this feeling. i was strong, but i'm getting weaker and weaker. i could only hope for someone to come, and drag me out of all this craziness and undecided chaos, and make me forget him.
i couldnt go back, because i vowed not to.only if i've proof that the girl is married to someone else, and he is single, FOR REAL, and if i have nobody who loves me at that time, maybe i'll consider taking him in again.
and this time, its for real too.
he told me everything, but yet, now he's acting as if he is available. why is it? and if i let myself fall for him once again, i will not forgive myself.
laila said, "kalau jodoh hang dengan dia camana?"
then, what will happen? nobody cant refuse if its fate. and so do i. if he's for me, no matter how, we would still be together. but in the meantime, no matter how hard i'm crying inside, no matter how bad i want to look for him, no matter how crazy i miss him, i will not look for him. bcoz he doesnt deserve me, after all.
ikut hati mati, right? sigh~
two days before, unknown caller called. i answered. i heard the voice, and i knew it was him, but i asked him who he was. he told me his email. i said, ok...whats up? if u could hear me talking, u'll know how icy n cold i was. that was our first conversation, after we ended everything.we did chat sometimes, but never talked to each other. plus he got a new number. and i didnt bother to ask Laila about it bcoz i know there's nothing left between us.it WAS all over!
he asked about something, and i was actually in a rush. i was getting ready for a kenduri, and its near his house. but i was praying hard (before he called) that i wouldnt bump into him.and i didnt.but he called when i was thinking about him. what a long life he will live.
right after he fnished asking about the 'formal' matter, he asked me my whereabouts. straightaway i told him i couldnt talk and i hang up. i didnt text him, he didnt text or call me afterwards.
i was thinking of texting him about the formal thing, just as friend but i didnt.
when they asked, i told them, its over.we chatted sometimes but i'm pretty sure i'll never ever have him in my life again.twice is more than enough and i cant bear to go thru the same thing for the third time. i cant take it any more.
and today, he was there, right in front of me, and we faced each other. i tried hard to be cool, and i succeeded. but deep inside, the feeling was burning hard, melting me again. and i know, this is the price i have to pay for having him residing deep down in my heart for almost 12 years!
i told them that i will not accept him again, but when he was right in front of me, the feeling, was there, once again. and his gaze, i just couldnt look at his eyes. i would divert my eyes straightaway. and i was very angry, bcoz he's acting the same like before, when we actually have nothing between us, bcoz its all over!
i just dont understand! when i'm trying hard to let him go, he will come again, and again, and i dont know until when could i resist this feeling. and lucky me, he's sailing again. and thats why he dropped by today.
i dont know whether his pure intention is whether to meet laila, or to see how am i doing.his chat, the way he talked to me,his words, now, everything is lingering in my head, and his face. i just dont know how to get rid of them when i've actually managed to do that before.
how i hate this feeling. i was strong, but i'm getting weaker and weaker. i could only hope for someone to come, and drag me out of all this craziness and undecided chaos, and make me forget him.
i couldnt go back, because i vowed not to.only if i've proof that the girl is married to someone else, and he is single, FOR REAL, and if i have nobody who loves me at that time, maybe i'll consider taking him in again.
and this time, its for real too.
he told me everything, but yet, now he's acting as if he is available. why is it? and if i let myself fall for him once again, i will not forgive myself.
laila said, "kalau jodoh hang dengan dia camana?"
then, what will happen? nobody cant refuse if its fate. and so do i. if he's for me, no matter how, we would still be together. but in the meantime, no matter how hard i'm crying inside, no matter how bad i want to look for him, no matter how crazy i miss him, i will not look for him. bcoz he doesnt deserve me, after all.
ikut hati mati, right? sigh~
12 tahun? umur ko berapa neh?
ReplyDeletebukan susah nak padam perasaan kat seseorang. cara terbaik kena elakkan berjumpa. tp kalau ada niat nak sambung semula tak apa lah
jangan diri merana sudah
21 maa.cinta monyet.dr anak monyet smpi dh bleh jd mak monyet.hahaha.
ReplyDeletemmg elak berjumpa, tp if dh jumpa x bleh lari, coz nanti lg nmpk yg i still have feelings for him, rite?
so, kena stay cool.hahhaha
proud to hear yg u masih tabah. focus pada cita2. kejar cinta Allah, itu yang lebih beri ketenangan. apa-apa pun jadi tentu ada hikmahnya- buat kita lebih berfikir, buat kita lebih dewasa. mungkin ada yang lebih sesuai untuk kita. umur 21 tahun? itu masih muda.......ramai lagi yang belum dijumpa dan kenal, banyak lagi yang perlu ditempuhi.dimana jua Allah jangan dilupa.Dia takkan uji hambaNya dgn sesuatu yang Dia tahu hambaNya tak boleh hadapi......kira u terpilihlah ni and u can do it, cinta pertama memang terkesan, may u be strong and be blessed
ReplyDeleteto miss/mr anonym..
ReplyDeletethanks dear.appreciate that.really need that! =)